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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, I decide to stroll by the beach. Praia do Areinho, man! The waves were crashing, and the sun was shining. I’m feeling all zen, right? But then I see this group of kids playing football. They’re kicking the ball around, and guess what? One of them kicks it straight at me! I dodge it like a ninja, but I’m still like, “Really? Is this a thing now?”

Portuguese Air Force Firefighting UH-60 Makes Inaugural Flight